Anders Starts School

We took Anders to "school" for his first day today.  Let's just call it what it really is, daycare.  Anders did not remember when the day began what today meant.  Then, at breakfast, he asked me what day it was and I said Tuesday and he started to cry.  I diverted him by playing with his new favorite toy, the cash register.
Anders liked Anna's list of four things he needed to do in the morning before we left: brush teeth, eat, change clothes, bathroom, and the like.  He enjoyed his cookie monster backpack.  Anders, however, talked himself into the idea that it was a long drive to daycare, which it is not.  Anna had him wear his watch, so he knows that we will return at 3 pm.
It is a hard day for all of us.  First, Anna though she smelled marijuana in the parking lot.  It was not cannabis, but some other damp weed.  Then, Anna was ticked off that they didn't seem to know we were coming.  We we got to the room only one of the three "teachers" was there.  A second was scheduled to arrive at 8:30 am and the third was out on maternity leave. 
One of the other kids, Zachary, tried to engage Anders in play.  Anders retreated to numbersletters.  Anders did not cry, though, and I think we can thank a little girl who was already crying.  Anders saw how unbecoming that looked.  The crying girl eventually stopped and seemed interested in Anders.  After Anna taught the teacher how to say "Anders," which took many repetitions, we turned to leave.  Anna did not look back.  I did.  The look Anders gave me almost turned me to a pillar of salt. 
We left Anders every day at the hospital for three months, but this was so much harder.  He's been with us, at home, everyday, since Oct. 29, 2009--Anders Liberation Day.  We can't go anywhere and not hear his voice and commentary in our heads.  I'm hoping this is harder on us than on Anders, but I would not count on it. 
Anders, however, needs the socialization.  He needs to mix it up with other kids.  Anders needs to believe we will always return for him.  This is good, it's natural, and it's time.  I feel like he has graduated today to the next stage of his development.  I felt much better about things about 30 minutes after we left.  I know I'll feel much worse after we pick him up and try to get him to go back tomorrow. 
The guilt side of things tells me that we have abdicated our responsibility to protect him.  We protected him from the odd bad nurse in the hospital.  We protected him from the public turn the swine flu outbreak.  We protected him from Appalachia in general until we moved.  I know that we will still be vigilant and diligent, but I have a lot of irrational thoughts.  And I know that I'd only get the silver in this house for irrational thoughts. 
It's good, it's necessary, and it's time.  I'll just repeat that mantra all day until we pick him up.  When he feel aggrieved Anders combines the Minnesota Rage of Anna with my ability to fly off the handle so this should be a fun afternoon.  Ugh.