Happy Easter

I see that I haven't posted since July. I've been a bit busy. I hope this post makes up for it.

Today is Easter. I am never late for church on Easter Sunday. With two small sons, we are often late for church. Heck, when it was just Anna and me, we were often late for church. I am never late for church on Easter Sunday because the opener is "Jesus Christ is Risen Today." This is my favorite hymn, and perhaps my favorite piece of music.
We go to a big suburban church in Apple Valley, MN that was having services every hour on the hour all morning. We arrived three minutes early, but you would have thought that we were late as all the seats in the sanctuary seemed to be filled. There were rows of overflow seating in the spacious lobby, but that would not have truly felt like attending church. Knowing that I was entering a sanctuary full of Lutherans, it was a good bet that there would be some seats at the front. Bingo! The only problem was that they were right next to the brass section assembled for the lead off number.
I held Henrik, ready for anything, expecting a freak out over the noise. Instead, he soaked it all in. Henrik looked older, contemplative, even regal as he looked up and off into the distance.
Maybe he was thinking of the miles he had traveled. I was. Last Easter was the first time we took Henrik to church or any large social gathering for that matter after his 96 day hospitalization. As I held my younger son, I thought of all that we had been through, the good fortune, and God's grace.  A single tear ran down my cheek, a cliche, but I was glad it was alone. We are stoic, Scandinavian Lutherans after all.
Then, toward the end of the service, I had a moment with Anders during "Now All the Vault of Heaven Resounds." He was sitting a row in front of me, as Henrik had been messing with him earlier. Anders was "making portraits of his classmates" in the bulletin. He's currently obsessed with the official portraits of the Presidents of the United States. Anna was out walking Henrik around. I was singing, but mostly listening to, this hymn, "Christ has triumphed! He is living!" I began crying again, a bit harder this time. I replayed all the thoughts I had about Henrik, but with more force this time. The years deepen the bond and add more power to the feelings.
Then I thought about where we were, Minnesota. Anna had never wanted to leave, and she spent most of our marriage convinced that we would not return in our vital years. Yet, right after the service we were headed up the road to Aunt Kathy's for Easter Brunch!
I didn't think about it at the time, but visiting our new niece, Elin Johanna, for the first time yesterday at a place where Anders had been hospitalized for 48 days in 2009, likely brought back to us some traumatic stress. Meeting Elin was the highlight of the year, but doing so at a place where we have many mixed memories was harder than I considered at the time. Neither of us had been back since November 2009. but various things triggered memories, for Anna the Paul Granlund statue in the lobby, for me the walk into the hospital past the ER. Anna figured out that Fairview Southdale had set us off as we bickered over nothing in the Southdale Mall.
The coup de grace was that the pastor's sermon featured his yearly visit in March to the grave of a four year old former parishioner. For Anders, still obsessed with death, this was the only part of the sermon he really listened to. This girl was two years younger than me. Her tombstone read "See you later Alligator."
Their isolettes evoked coffins. They looked fragile enough to pass away. These notions I pushed away every day my sons were in the hospital, and I continue to push away these ideas. Anders and Henrik rose out of these circumstances to become our normal, healthy kids. When I think about the NICUs, I feel guilty that my kids made it out unscathed or made it at all. That's what I usually think, when I still allow myself to think about it or else I just ask "why?" Yet, on Easter, every Easter, and it's only become more powerful over the last year, I rejoice. I celebrate my family, and God from whom all blessings flow.